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| Benjamin and me in Washington, D.C. |
teacher, and she told me that the distance was actually good. Honestly, I didn’t really believe her at the time. However, she had a long-distance relationship with her husband for the five years prior to their marriage, so I should have taken her word for it. As it turned out, she was right.
I write the following with the knowledge that it is somewhat ridiculous for me to write anything on this topic at all. I’m engaged. I’m in love. I’m young. I’m also pretty stupid sometimes. So take this with a grain of salt (actually, take it with about a cup of salt). These are a few of the things I’ve learned in the last year regarding long-distance relationships. Married couples are free to shake their heads at me and say, “She has so much to learn.” And they’d be right to say so. But I still want to write this. So here, in rather simple words, are some lessons from a long-distance relationship.
1) Goals are Important
At one point during the early stages of our relationship, I googled “Tips for Long-Distance Relationships,” and came across a variety of very disheartening articles. One was something like “Ten Reasons Long-Distance Never Works.” I got really depressed after reading that one. Another advocated engaging in a weird rule that permitted sleeping with other people when apart, but sleeping only with one’s significant other when together (I’m pretty sure the author of that one must have been smoking something weird). I’ve watched a couple other people try the long-distance deal and fail, but I’ve noticed that one particular factor seems to be key to keeping a couple together: mutual goals. Both Benjamin and I were not interested in a fling or a let’s-just-stay-together-while-it-feels-good kind of relationship. We both wanted to get married. We both want to have kids (lots of them, actually). We both felt that sticking in a relationship that we couldn’t see ending in marriage was a waste of time. So that meant a couple of things: first, our goal was to see if we were a good fit for marriage. Second, we knew that we’d have to make decisions about engagement, marriage, and moving at some point soon. Shared relationship goals give a sense of focus that drifting about at the impulse of feelings does not.
2) Communication Practice is Hard but Really Good at the Same Time
One of the biggest blessings in a long-distance relationship is that it practically forces couples to practice and develop their communication skills. After all, there isn’t much else to do besides talk. When we first started dating, I was really frustrated that we couldn’t do any “real” activities together. My theory on relationships has always been that mutually shared activities work far better than simple conversation when it comes to building or strengthening a friendship. I wanted to go hiking or canoeing with Benjamin, not just sit around and talk. Benjamin’s solution was that we could read Shakespeare plays together over Skype. That was delightful, but it still wasn’t quite the same as going somewhere and doing something together. However, despite my frustrations, we eventually found that talking instead of doing lots of activities actually helped the relationship in the long run. Benjamin asked my Godfather, the good Reverend Dr. Shaw Mudge, to give us a list of questions that couples should discuss. Shaw obliged by sending Benjamin a list of one hundred questions. We still haven’t finished them all (it’s a long list). But the process of talking about serious topics (and humorous topics too), of sorting through our different or similar opinions, was—and still is—a wonderful exercise in relationship building. Benjamin said to me a few months ago that long distance forces us to talk through disagreements or hurt feelings rather than turning to physical affection or a leisure activity to push an issue under the rug and ignore it. He’s right. Learning to say, “I felt misunderstood when you said....,” or “I disagree. Let’s talk about this,” was uncomfortable, but the constraints of long distance made it necessary. And in the end, the ability to talk through issues openly and calmly share our thoughts and feelings is a healthy habit.
3) Physical Space is Spiritually Enlightening
When we started dating, we were both frustrated by the lack of a physical side to our relationship. It’s hard to touch someone across the Atlantic. Although we had been friends for about eight years, we only started dating in October and weren’t on the same continent until April. Humans are made for physical contact. Babies die without it, and adults don’t do so well sans touch either. Physical affection is a form of communication. While we both are committed to waiting until marriage to consummate our relationship, it was (and still is) hard to go without even the slightest touch for months at a stretch. But there’s a good side to that predicament as well. First, it forces us to express ourselves verbally (see above), and second, disciplines of self-denial—in some mysterious way—make our hearts more spiritually attuned. Father Carloni, who is conducting our premarital counseling (over Skype), mentioned to us that physical space is necessary for discernment. It’s true. Physical affection is wonderful and beautiful and a gift from God. But abstaining for a period of time makes us more open to the Holy Spirit and his guidance.
4) Doing Hard Things Makes Us Stronger
There’s a common saying in the fitness world: no pain, no gain. In a way, the saying fits into almost all of life. Hollywood portrays an image of good relationships that are utterly effortless, that all of us should mysteriously find our soul-mate, and that difficulties automatically equal dead ends. Hogwash. Difficulties can make us better. We value what we work for. We become better people when we sweat a little. I’m a teacher, and I know that easy assignments are practically worthless when it comes to actually having my students learn. The almighty Teacher of my soul knows this too. He also knows that struggling with another person can make that particular relationship stronger if we let it.
5) Intentional Planning Happens
Prior to summer break, Benjamin suggested that we make a summer bucket list of all the things we wanted to do together during July and August. We had a lot of fun coming up with ideas ranging from simple stuff like holding hands to activities like canoeing down a river or making dinner for my grandparents. Half of the fun in life is anticipation, so writing a list together made the anticipation even greater. And it ensured that we did some pretty goofy things (like loudly singing to pop songs and a somewhat failed attempt at trying to teach him to braid my hair) to more serious stuff, like praying together and reading and discussing a book on theology. One of the benefits of the long distance deal is that intentional planning for relationship-building happens. And while planning is happening, a couple of other things also occur: communication and prioritizing.
6) Delayed Gratification is Life-Giving
In a culture that practically screams, “I want what I want and I want it now!,” delayed gratification gets a pretty bad rap. Let’s face it, even Christians are not known for praying, “Dear God, please delay my gratification so that I can focus on others.” Mostly, we just spiritualize our wishes by praying that we can have what we want and have it now. Unfortunately, our tendency in life is to demand what we wish for so that we can consume it. But that’s a rather miserable way to live. Delayed gratification in any area of life, be it relational, professional, monetary, etc., is a gift. It is a gift because it points us back to what we ought to be—not seekers of ourselves and our own good, but seekers of the good of others. Human relationships—whether long
-distance or not—are not meant to fulfill me, but to teach me how to love others more and myself less. One of my favorite prayers is the prayer attributed to St. Francis of Assisi:
O, Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love;
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
it is in dying that we are born again to eternal life.
And that is the beauty of anything difficult. Long-distance relationships aren’t easy. But honestly, neither are relationships of any kind. For in all relationships, we learn that loving—real, self-sacrificing loving—isn’t easy. It’s a kind of death. A death to ourselves and our wishes. But—as St. Francis so aptly points out in his prayer—it is in this sort of dying that we find life.
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